Saturday, February 19, 2011

Cliff's Notes

So here I sit.

I think this is the juncture in a man's life when he makes the decision to either become a workaholic on the 9-5 train, or pursue something stupid. Right there at the crossroad, do you see me?

With all this time I've got, I could have built skyscrapers. Went back to school. Done something REALLY productive. Instead, by choice, I have done nothing. Simple things. I've sustained. I float. Watch me.

Sure, I am paraphrasing the last 2 years of my life. But honestly, that's how its felt. My life is Cliff's Notes...shortcuts from A to B. Not really anything to tell other than shit thats happened around my house or with the people who rarely call me anymore, or pick up the phone when I need them.

So here I sit. With this little tale of loneliness (which, by the way, will literally will only be read by me). I can think of nothing to do but to turn it into beautiful art, something Ive always done, but I've got no one to help me but me. I've got no one who cares to care about this.

I cant let go of the past. I am afraid to embrace the future. Damn. It felt good typing that.... let's pause while I say that out loud..... that felt ridiculous.

Where did everyone go? I do not specifically remember pushing anyone away. In fact, all I can remember doing was trying so hard to hold on to everything. Maybe I crushed it.

It would be nice to get invited somewhere- or spoken to. Ive always had to the tools to bring folks together. When I say tools I mean people... and not in the bad way (boy, that came out wrong).

So I am going to get back into making music, I suppose. I'm going to pursue "Cousins" with a bit more tenacity this time. And find musicians who believe in it. That's what I'm gonna do. Because I need to. I have to create.

Thursday, December 23, 2010


Maybe I'll start a band and name it after the "captcha" words that blogspot keeps throwing out so they can prove I'm not a robot posting spam in the "Comments" sections.
So far, the candidates for my captcha band are...

Tersh, Mollada, and finally... Lertags.

Your thoughts?

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

One Red Cent

Today, I actually plan on making a red cent in this little "music career" of mine. Aside from the $125 I "raked in" at Amherst's farewell show (which was the first time I ever got payed to play music in my entire career), this will be the first time as an individual that I ever made money to do something that I truly enjoy. I'll be recording/"producing", and paying studio rent with the money, but hey, it's something ain't it?

Ain't ain't no word, so you ain't gonna use it.

It's silly I guess to discuss manners of money publicly, but I'm poor, so I guess like most poor people, I can be tasteless.

I'm grateful that I get these slow days sometimes at work- I'm grateful that I get to write. And I'm grateful for a little catch up time here at 29th and Broadway. Life's fair enough.

This winter weather is eating me alive! Let's talk about that. When you're a golfer, this kind of weather is the worst. I hate being physically capable of doing something, and having EVERYTHING else hold me back.

What I'm saying is, I hate Kentucky weather. But what can you do?

I've had this window up for about an hour now and I'm realizing, as I'm periodically adding to this update between bursts of business... I have nothing significant to say.

Good day.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Growing "Out"


So I found this blog today... about a year after I walked away from one of the most life-altering decisions I have ever made. The decision to leave a 30K a year job, get in a van and play clubs and bars every night- and leave the self that I was, for so long denying, behind.

I read my older blog with a sense of cynicism, but I have to give myself a little breathing room. Who wouldn't? I can certainly say, without a doubt, that I am doing my best to forgive myself, to learn, to take risks, and most importantly, to relax.

Let's not go too deep in this direction, but I want to make a quick comment about our country, and this system we live in, because its relevant...

It's very easy to get sucked into your dreams. I say this because we live in a world that promotes the worst way- and I want to be careful to point out that there is nothing wrong with such a thing because, without dreams, what do we have? But I want to give advice (since you asked for it) to those who want to pursue those dreams...BE CAREFUL. You actually DO have to work for them. And I feel like one of those suckers that thought it was just going to fall into my lap, and that everyone was going to do everything for me. And that my talent would make up for my severe lack of work ethic. THAT is the environment that we live in. That is the new American dream. So be careful dream chasers... Your dreams can turn around and bite you as quickly as you can catch them, and they can bite you as hard as you can run to catch them.

But I digress... I need to do my best not to be naive and think this whole thing was a mistake. Because, as all adults will tell you- WE ALL SCREW UP SO THAT WE LEARN WHAT NOT TO DO. And its all true. Mom and Dad were right. So that's what I am (slowly but surely) doing. Learning.

So in the past year, since I walked away from everything that I thought I was, and became something I believe I might be, I have done the following- in the order that they happened, I think.

1. Discovered the game of Golf
2. Wrote, and recorded 11 songs
3. Found a pretty decent job as a Credit Union teller
4. Got engaged to my long time girlfriend on a weekend getaway to Gatlinburg
5. Lost touch with friends
7. Started Blogging again
8. Oh yeah... and I THINK I booked a show...:)

So, in a nutshell, I'm just looking at better ways to build my character other than traveling and playing music. Not that I have ever hated playing music, but it is really all I have ever known. And since we live in such a world, where the pursuit of dreams are rampant, I figure I'll start trying my hand at things... after all, I know what NOT to do, right?

Wrong. I'm just much better equipped for failure.

And, as far as losing touch with friends. This has been both a conscious and unconscious effort, I believe, on my part and on the parts of others. Was music the only thing that bonded those who have fallen gracefully out of my life? Or was it the only thing that bonded me to them? I suppose it helped. I suppose it was something to talk about at one point. I suppose it was a reason to get together, drink, have a laugh, talk music, talk about other people, a way to assert dominance in a cutthroat environment (I'll leave it at that, and keep the rest of my thoughts to myself).

Honestly, I miss everyone and everything. But that's the cost of finding out what YOU as an individual, without anyone else, are made of. I can't believe that I believe that, but I do. It's part of growing up. Maybe we grow "out" instead of "up". Everyone grows vertically at basically the same rate, but we drift apart horizontally, until we're all out of sight from each other, incapable of holding one another up any longer.

So I guess there's nowhere to go but forward, so I'll keep doing that.

And another thing- What did I have against punctuation a year ago? It makes things so much easier to read when you actually capitalize the first letters of your sentences, use commas, and don't abuse the ellipsis... :)

Saturday, April 25, 2009

excuse the punctuation...

...but i just need to vent a little.
for the most part, i am enjoying tour...really.
the worst part isnt what people think it is. its not playing empty clubs with terrible bands and people. really, i have been doing that for years. just not consecutively the way i am now. really, i am over that. dont get me wrong- there are a million more amazing people out there that i have met and shared the stage with... music takes my blues away no matter how many people are there. and anyways, were still doing pretty well. there have only been like 4 "bad" shows. no big deal.
the worst part about touring: i miss home. i miss my lover. distance makes the heart grow fonder, and it also puts a strain on your body and mind. i hate that i cant see her, but i love that she is supporting me and i love to see how independent we can both be of one another, but emotionally, i SUCKKK at being independent. it really sucks not having someone around to share your life and experiences with. i sometimes feel for those people that have not found true love in their life. if there was a god who listened, i would pray that everyone would find it. i am lucky to have it, and i hate that its not near me all the time, aside from a longing to see you again phone call. its a shame, but its for the better.
it feels good to get my emotions out like this. complaining and being negative DONT work when you are on the road. so you have to bottle things up until you can vent just a little bit. i need some fresh air combined with a cigarette.
dont we all wish we could have our cake and eat it too??
i know i do.

Monday, April 13, 2009

slow comp, fast times.

captain hook is on the tv, speer and steve are playing chess. i feel a bit of a chest cold coming on, but i think i will be fine. i just need to lay off the smokes. i look forward to the next few days, new towns, new faces, new places. everything new. nothing wrong with that.
slept in the van last night. wasnt that bad. apparently i slept for nine hours. i wasnt feeling too well. we slept in a walmart parking lot (thanks for the tip vertigo, they indeed dont give a fuck), which wasnt bad. nick and i played wii in the electronics department for about 30 minutes, and then nick played guitar hero. no one said anything to us, they shouldve i guess. we were a little too comfortable to be in a major retailer in our pajamas. oh well though, it was fun, a lot less terrible than i imagined it would be.
i dont know- i'm not exactly getting my "travel wishes" granted, but i am staying alive. and my spirits are up for the most part. i think its ok not always have high standards for everything and just go with the flow.
here's to moving forward.

Friday, April 10, 2009

so here i am...

i am in knoxville. i have been here for 2 days now, i can safely say- its weird. but despite missing my girlfriend and my dog, i am having a good time between spurts of lonliness and unfullfilled hopes. its just really not that bad. i havent been this calm and collected and ambitious EVER in my life.
i am trying to make this quick because i am going to do a net meet with britni. i get to see her, and i like that. i like everything. why wouldnt i? who the fuck wouldnt want to have the kind of balls i have? i used to want to have them, and now i do. i did it no matter what. so fuck all the doubt that i had, and fuck all the doubt that i still have. its fucking stupid and i already dont know who the fuck that guy was.
you will have to forgive me, i have had a few shclitz cans and i just feel ok.
we go on here soon so i am going to sign off, but whenever i get back to a comp, i will update about things in more detail. i promise.
just being to one city, i can tell you this... there are beautiful people everywhere in this world. and i mean beautiful in the context of motive, and love for doing good in this world. i like to think sometimes that that is what we try to do. and no matter what kind of shit bar i play in, in whatever shit town i go to, i always find them.
good night, i will see you soon.